Your Wedding
If you don’t have time to read anything else on this page, please read the Personal Vows section at the bottom.
"I will be there with and for you, come what may."
You gift yourself to another, which is the greatest gift you can give.
Another person gives themselves to you.
You entrust yourselves to each other’s care.
You encourage, strengthen, help, and challenge each other.
You help each other to reach your full potential.
You anticipate each other’s needs, even before they are voiced.
Marriage means being with each other, supporting each other, loving each other for who you are, and prioritizing each other's needs, hopes, and dreams.
I love you
(Love is both a verb & a state of being.)
Your Ceremony
I have used a traditional format in the following outlines to provide a familiar starting point in our planning process. We'll create a ceremony that truly reflects your beliefs and values.
The Rehearsal, the Venue Coordinator, and your Wedding Planner will conduct and customize your Processional, assemble everyone in their correct positions at the Ceremony Site, and coordinate the Recessional.
It's important to understand that a wedding rehearsal is not like a rehearsal for a play or production.
The purpose of the rehearsal is to customize the three elements listed below to meet the needs and preferences of the couple. It also ensures that the couple and the wedding party know:
The Processional (how and in what order to walk in).
How to assemble at the ceremony site.
The Recessional (how and in what order to walk out).
Our loved ones play a significant role, especially on our wedding day. The Coordinator will work with you to personalize your Processional, the way you gather at the ceremony site, and your Recessional to include your loved ones in the ceremony.
Only you, your bridesmaids, and your groomsmen need to attend the Rehearsal. Other optional wedding party members and ceremony participants, such as flower girls, ring bearers, readers, and sponsors, do not need to attend the rehearsal. Readers and sponsors will be seated in the congregation and invited up at the appropriate moment during the ceremony.
The religious part of the ceremony is not rehearsed, as it should be natural and authentic on the wedding day. Once both of you step in front of me at the Ceremony Site, I will guide you through the entire ceremony. You don't have to worry about remembering cues or memorizing lines. You can relax, be present with each other, and enjoy the celebration. I will not be present at rehearsals since the coordinator will conduct them, and my attendance will be redundant.
Outline of the following sections:
An outline of a traditional wedding ceremony.
Insights regarding couples with different belief systems.
An outline of a contemporary wedding ceremony.
Suggestions for writing your Personal Vows.
Traditional
Wedding
Ceremony
Photo Credit: The St. Francis Chapel at the Mission Inn in Riverside, California.
WEDDING SERVICE AFTER ENTRANCE PROCESSION
1) An opening prayer and readings from Scripture:
The first letter of Saint Paul to the Corinthians [1 Cor. 13: 4-8]
and the Gospel according to Saint John [John 15: 12-16],
followed by a sermon on love and marriage.
2) The priest will ask the couple to state their intentions:
"Have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourself to each other in marriage?" Each will respond, "Yes."
“Will you love and honor each other as husband and wife for the rest of your life? Each will respond, “Yes.”
“Will you receive children with love and raise them with care, compassion, and patience?” Each will respond, “Yes.” (Optional)
3) Exchange of marriage vows: "Do you take [Name] to be your lawful husband or wife, for better or for worse, etc." After the exchange of vows, the rings will be exchanged. If you are considering exchanging Personal Vows, please refer to the “Personal Vows” section at the bottom of this page.
Cultural Options
Here are some popular cultural options that many couples include in their wedding celebrations. You may wish to consider the following when evaluating these choices for your wedding:
These options are cultural rather than religious or theological. While many incorrectly associate them with religious traditions, they constitute cultural elements in the wedding ceremony.
Is it part of your culture? Did your parents or grandparents include this option in their wedding ceremony? If so, it is familiar and has cultural resonance.
A symbol (option) conveys meaning instantaneously and nonverbally. For instance, a wedding ring immediately indicates that someone is married. Likewise, a red cross on a white shield quickly and nonverbally signifies a hospital (ambulance or medical supplies), implying that medical care is available.
If a symbol (option) needs an explanation, it has lost its cultural resonance as a symbol and risks being perceived as a novelty or, even worse, as an affectation.
Avoid redundancy by not choosing two or more symbols that convey the same meaning. An exception to this advice may arise if you marry someone from a different tradition.
4) Unity Candle Cultural Option: Please check with your venue (and the local Fire Marshall for outdoor events) to confirm if open flames are permitted. Logistically, this is not advisable for windy areas, as lighting and keeping the candles lit will be challenging. The couple lights a candle; this relatively recent tradition gained popularity in the latter half of the 20th century in American Protestant wedding ceremonies. (It symbolizes two becoming one).
5) Lasso/Veil & Cord Cultural Option: The couple may choose to have a "Lasso" (Veil and Cord) imposed on them. A Latin tradition. (It symbolizes two becoming one).
6) Arras/Coins Cultural Option: The couple may exchange "Arras" (Coins). This Latin tradition symbolizes the material aspect of married life.
7) Libro Y Rosario (Bible & Rosary) Cultural Option: The couple may exchange a "Libro y Rosario" (Bible & Rosary), a Latin tradition symbolizing the spiritual aspect of married life.
8) Handfasting Cultural Option: the couple’s hands are tied together while a poem is read. Handfasting is an ancient Celtic tradition. A cord or cloth was used to bind their hands during the ceremony. (It symbolizes two becoming one).
9) The Lord's Prayer (Our Father) is followed by a special nuptial blessing for the newly married couple. The wedding ceremony can be extended by adding an optional Communion Service (which will add 5 minutes) or the entire Eucharistic Liturgy (which will add 30 minutes).
10) Rose presentation: The couple walks together to the Bride's mother. The Bride presents her mother with a long-stemmed rose. The Groom embraces and kisses his mother-in-law. The couple then walks together to the Groom's mother, and the Groom presents his mother with a long-stemmed rose. The Bride then embraces and kisses her mother-in-law. The couple then returns to the wedding ceremony site. Ave Maria is typically played as background music for the Rose Ceremony, although another piece of music may be used.
11) Closing prayer by the priest.
12) Final blessing to the congregation.
13) Presentation of the newly married couple with the phrase: "It is my pleasure to present..."
14) Recessional: Music begins, and the newly married couple walks down the aisle, followed by bridesmaids, groomsmen, and their parents.
All of this takes approximately 35 minutes.
"The unexamined life is not worth living for a human being."
- Socrates
Couples with different belief systems: Their wedding ceremonies and shared lives.
One of the great blessings of an interfaith relationship is that it requires both individuals to examine their beliefs. It encourages us to seek the truth and value in the beliefs our parents gifted us and to consider those of the love of our life as we establish our new home.
Even within the same family, members can have surprisingly different understandings of belonging to their religion and culture.
Our beliefs evolve as we develop, facing life's challenges and shaping our spirituality and relationships, including our relationship and understanding of ourselves.
Falling in love and building a life as a couple with another person requires us to reflect on our lives and beliefs, which is spiritually beneficial. During my time in the U.S. Air Force Reserve, I worked as a chaplain and had the opportunity to interact and collaborate with clergy from different religions. My experience in Chaplaincy School and serving in the Air Force provided me with the knowledge and practical experience to support the spiritual needs of various religious, agnostic, and atheist couples. Integrity and compassion are the goals of authentic spirituality and the golden thread that unites us all.
I consider it a joy to collaborate with other clergy. Whether working with other clergy or you alone as a couple, I will endeavor to make your wedding celebration an authentic representation of your values and beliefs.
Contemporary Wedding Ceremony
CONTEMPORARY WEDDING CEREMONY
The Contemporary Wedding Ceremony template is a neutral starting point for couples of different faiths/beliefs, providing a blank canvas for creating an authentic and personal wedding celebration.
Compassion is at the core of all religions and ethical systems. Although compassion and love can be expressed intellectually, they are only fully understood when extended to another person. Focusing on this central value will help you plan your wedding and build a couple's shared life.
I encourage you and your fiancé/fiancée to select texts and traditions from your faith/beliefs and culture that you hold dear. Blend these into this basic outline to create a wedding that celebrates and honors you as a loving and unique couple.
You may find that the process is more significant than the result. This is true because you constantly develop as individuals and as a couple. Part of the attraction and challenge of a living relationship is learning about each other and coming to a greater understanding of love. Although you know each other, you will always discover something new about yourself and each other through your shared lives.
In the future, as you celebrate anniversaries together, you will look back and see a pure golden thread of love, respect, and gratitude running as a constant through your lives together.
WEDDING SERVICE AFTER ENTRANCE PROCESSION
Opening Reflection
What greater happiness is there for two people than to feel united to support each other in life’s work, comfort each other in trials, savor life’s joys together, and be one with each other in the still of their hearts?
Reading of a Poem or Literature selection significant to the couple, for example:
Touched By An Angel, by Maya Angelou
We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.
Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet, if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.
We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly, we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet, it is only love
that sets us free.
Commentary
Consent
Have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourself to each other in marriage? Each responds, “Yes.”
Will you love and honor each other for the rest of your life? Each responds, “Yes.”
Will you receive children with love and raise them with care, compassion, and patience? Each responds, “Yes.” [Optional]
Since you intend to enter marriage, join your right hands and declare your consent before these witnesses.
Vows
[Name] Do you take [Name] for your lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?
R. I do.
[Name] Do you take [Name] for your lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?
R. I do.
Blessing and Exchange of Rings
May these rings remind you of your vows and the love that has joined your two lives.
[Name] accept this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity.
[Name] accept this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity.
Unity Candle Ceremony, (Optional)
Nuptial Blessing
May you be blessed as you begin your life as a married couple. May you find strength and joy in each other’s embrace, may your friends console you, and all people live at peace with you.
May you be blessed with children, and may you both be good and loving parents. May you live to see your children’s children living in an abundant and peaceful world. (Optional)
May your children bring you happiness, and may your generous love for them be returned to you many times. (Optional)
May you have the vision, courage, and strength to fulfill your promises to each other this evening.
May your mutual love be strengthened and deepen over time and through life’s many tests and experiences.
May peace abide always in your hearts and your home.
May you be blessed with good and faithful friends who will stand by your side in times of joy and sorrow.
May you be a voice for the voiceless, an advocate for the poor and marginalized. May you expand love and compassion in your community, and may these acts of Love and Justice embrace you in Light and Peace at the end of your life’s journey.
INTRODUCTION OF THE NEWLY MARRIED COUPLE
This concludes the Marriage Ceremony.
Presentation of the newly married couple with the phrase: "It is my pleasure to present..."
Recessional: Music begins. The newly married couple walks down the aisle, followed by bridesmaids & groomsmen and the couple’s parents.
All of this takes approximately 25 minutes.
HEART SPEAKS TO HEART
If your wedding ceremony were a ring, your vows would be the diamond. This is the most essential part of your wedding.
California is a Ceremonial State. This means that you become legally married when you exchange wedding vows in the ceremony.
PERSONAL VOWS
Here are some suggestions for composing your wedding vows. I hope this helps you in writing your vows to each other. These may be shared publicly in the ceremony or privately between you later. You should spend some quiet time in front of your computer and compose about two paragraphs.
The first paragraph is your origin story. When dating, what was your "Goldilocks moment" when it hit you that you'd met "the one?"
The second paragraph is: "I want to share life with you because..."
Avoid a laundry list of promises and vows. For example, I promise to make you laugh and care for you. I promise to walk the dog, wash the car, etc. This is not a job interview. You don't marry someone because of what they will do for you; you marry someone because of who they are and how sharing life with them elevates and enriches you both. There was a moment when you were dating when you had an insight into each other's heart and mind, and you thought: OMG, yeah, this is the person I want to walk through life with.
You are writing these vows for three audiences:
Yourself. At the risk of sounding selfish, you're writing these vows for yourself. Your wedding is a significant life event. Whenever we have a major life event, it is healthy, prudent, and intelligent to make a quiet space for ourselves, sit down, and reflect. What am I doing? Why am I making this commitment to another person? There is nothing like writing on paper to help us crystalize what is in our minds and hearts.
The love of your life. Your written vows are your wedding day gift to the love of your life. "I chose you!" You are in front of your parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, family, relatives, and friends, publicly stating why you chose each other and want to walk through this life together.
Your children. One day, your children will read your words. What would reading why your Mom chose your Dad mean to you personally? Why did your Dad choose your Mom?
Here is an example of Personal Vows
Chris
I had one of the worst days of my life at work. My friends said, "Let's go out for a drink." Then it happened: I heard your voice and laughter; our eyes made contact, and all the day's difficulties fell away. I thought that "love at first sight" was a movie cliche until that day. Dating you revealed a caring, funny, insatiably curious, insightful, and loving person who filled my days with joy and challenged me to reach previously unimagined potential.
I am grateful to have you by my side and can't wait for the adventures ahead. But most of all, I am thankful for being held and holding each other in our arms, thoughts, and hearts.
After your Big Day, have your Vows printed and framed at this hyperlink, and hang them in your home as a quiet reminder of how you became a family.*
*This information is provided to help you in your planning process and does not constitute an endorsement or warranty of other companies or individuals or their services.